Cool night and cool mornings, warm to hot days, sunshine always shining… welcome to the desert!
I moved here with intention. It is difficult for me to articulate why I moved here when people ask. I often times feel like asking them, “Do you have a few hours?” because if I were to speak my truth it would take at least a few hours. My truth isn’t a story I tell many, or a story I’ve told in it’s entirety too often, but it is one I vow to speak, to unleash and to teach. It’s been about three years now since I’ve embarked on this journey… like truly embarked on it. “What journey?” you may be wondering. The easiest way for me to put it is: “My Spiritual Journey.” (Go ahead roll your eyes. A few years ago I would have too.) When I sit here and really think about it, maybe my spiritual journey has been a life long thing… or has at least been going on for much longer than I’ve realized, but a few years ago it sort of hit me in the face. Almost literally. Let me tell you my truth… my story.
I had just moved from NY to PA for personal ventures, I didn’t know a single person except for my aunt, my girlfriend, and barely her family. I was alone… a lot. I had never really been alone like that before. When I lived in NY I was surrounded by people I called friends. My life was chaotic, fueled with all of the wrong vices, and all of the wrong people. I was always surrounded by others, they latched onto me for what I thought were vain reasons, when in reality they were all sort of latched onto one another. Sucking out joy, sucking out love, sucking out light… there was no light (but I didn’t realize it then). I don’t blame them for this ‘latching’ and ‘sucking’ because looking back at it they were all craving the same thing… love.
I was a fresh 21 when I moved to PA and thought I was over the partying scene. Thought I was ready to start fresh, and new… but there was something eating away at my soul. A void that needed filling, so naturally, being human, I went on search for that void. I tried to make new friends, met some great people, met some not so great ones; but I continuously felt alone. I couldn’t find my nitch. I was getting so frustrated and irritated with myself that I found myself in isolation, sometimes by choice, and other times by fate. I didn’t want to be alone. I hated being alone. When I was alone I felt so much anxiety, so much self loathing, so much self criticizing… and no self love. I was looking for people to blame, looking for a reason that my life was so dark. I was depressed. Being completely honest, I was more depressed than ever before. I didn’t tell a single soul, not even those closest to me, because despite all of the fear, hate and anger that was building in my soul, I didn’t wish to project it onto anyone willingly. I was always told that I had to be strong, I had to be the best, I had to “succeed” and be “successful” whatever that means. I was society’s poster child for “grew up in a great family, and would live the American dream someday.” But… here I was; alone.
Alone in my historic two story apartment a short drive from downtown Philadelphia. Alone in my bedroom, a finished attic with two tiny windows. Alone sitting on my floor, in a dimly lit room, with incense burning, doped up on xanax and prozac, praying. Begging God, begging the universe, crying and screaming out to the stars in the sky for help… for love… to not be alone anymore. During those months I missed a ton of work, I slept for hours and was awake for days. I wrote… a lot. I wrote more than I ever wrote in my entire life. I wrote poetry on my blog, I wrote poetry on social media, I hand wrote stories and poetry and letters in endless notebooks scattered all around my bedroom floor. My dirty laundry was piled high in the corner of my room, I barely ate, and I searched for that one thing inside myself that would make me no longer feel so alone. I couldn’t tell you how many days or weeks went by, but I remember this isolation began in the winter… and one of the first warm days of the year was when I “woke up.”
I remember seeing the sun pushing through an orange, tan, and maroon tapestry I had covering the window. I moved from the dark corner of my room to sit in the warmth of the sun. For a moment I let it bleed through the tapestry, but then my soul whispered “more.” So I pinned the tapestry to one side of the window, exposing my tiny frame to pure sunlight. I sat there for about fifteen minutes, just letting the sun wash over my skin. A burst of energy came over me. Without thinking, I put on some jeans that were now loose on me, the only clean jacket I could find, and some sandals (it honestly probably wasn’t warm enough for those). I ran down the stairs to my apartment building, flung open the door and was smacked in the face by the sun and a gust of cool, fresh, spring air. I walked for about a mile and a half not noticing cars, people, sounds… I noticed nothing; until I got to this stone bridge. I had walked and driven over this bridge before, but never really stopped on it. Today, the detail of the stones caught my eyes, and I stopped. I admired the stones, and leaned into them, peeking over the edge of the bridge. Below was where a creek or a stream would flow, but it was nearly dried up, which was odd I thought for this time of year. I saw a beautiful duck walking towards me. He was marked in shimmering emerald and was quaking away. I remember cracking a smile and feeling like this duck knew he was making me happy as he waddled his way to the edge of the bridge. I decided I would try to climb over the bridge, on to the side of the creek bank and sit near this duck if he would let me, so I slowly lowered myself down, and upon my feet hitting the ground below the bridge, I let go. I gently sat on a smooth rock that was the perfect size for my boney ass to sit on. The duck stopped, and watched as I sat down but he didn’t seem afraid. He radiated a loving energy, and after I sat he came closer. I began talking to him, telling him how beautiful and lovely he was. It appeared his quaking got louder as he inched a bit closer to me. I looked up and past him and over thirty other ducks started walking towards me. I swear on all of my self work, that this actually happened. Thirty plus ducks, male and female, waddling towards me as I sat on this rock in a creek on the brink of spring. They surrounded me and I giggled, took some video footage on my phone, took some photos with these beautiful creatures, and just talked to them as if they understood. Some laid down, some continued to curiously walk around me, and for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone anymore. I felt so much love, so much light, and so much healing energy.
This was the moment I knew things were going to change. This was my awakening to my spiritual journey.
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